In Memory of Mallory 12/20/90 to 5/20/04

She was too young to die, but during her short life she touched so many people. Mallory was a ray of sunshine on a stormy day. Hundreds of people filled the church to overflowing to say goodbye to a girl who was taken from this world far too soon. Many of these mourners were teenagers and some were younger, as Mallory had left behind a younger sister, and an older sister and brother. How do so many teenagers understand something like death? When you are a teenager you believe you are invincible, that nothing can touch you. It is devastating to discover that this is not true. When a teen loses a loved one they suffer intensely. As adults we often disregard their intense feelings because we are dealing with the loss ourselves or we think they will recover sooner since they are young and resilient. We have taught them to suppress their anger. They know it is okay to feel sadness, but anger will not benefit anyone. This is not true. They need to express their anger. They have been abandoned by someone they love. That is painful,it is not fair and it makes them angry. It is one of the most natural responses to the loss they are feeling. We need to reassure them, that as adults we are there for them. We will not judge their anger or their fear. The fear of being left behind or the fear of also being taken before their time.

Grief is a very unique to each of us, but for adolescents it is complex, often beyond their realm of understanding. They may push us away when we try to help them and thinking that solitude is what they need we will let them. We often have the misconception that because they look like adults now, that they think like adults.
They may exhibit stages of shock and disbelief. If they don't think about it maybe it won't hurt so much. They can function as if life is going on as usual when they are actually feeling numb and as yet unaware of the pain. This stage often lasts for the first few weeks after the event. They often cry, ache, don't sleep, have a difficult time making decisions, may yell and fight with family and friends and may fluctuate between denial and anger.

During the next stage of the grieving process the numbness has ended and the guilt, depression, hopelessness, anger, and increased sensitivity occur. This could begin a few weeks after the death and continue for months.

Guilt is a natural process. All adolescents have disagreements with friends and family, but when a death occurs the teen will take guilt and responsibility for the tragedy. "If only I had told her I loved her more," "If only I had driven instead of him." These are normal feelings for everyone, but are often more intense for teens. Thoughts of suicide are also common during this stage. As parents we have to be willing to listen without judgment or panic. We hear that our child doesn't want to live and we panic, get angry or frightened and often don't let them express their feelings. When what we really need to do is listen. You can't fix this pain for them and they are entitled to it. It is normal to think of escaping the pain or joining the person they loved. Often when you share that you have felt this way too and it is all part of the grief process it is reassuring to them. Do be aware of the true signs of suicide. If they have a plan on how they would end their own life, seek professional help immediately. This is not a time to wait and see if they feel better in a day or two. Call a suicide hotline or go directly to your nearest emergency room. It is better to be safe than sorry.

During the next few months, 3-6 months after the death, you may find your teen trying to pretend as if nothing happened. They may tell you they don't want to talk about it anymore. They may gain or loss weight and try to change their location or lifestyle in order to get out of the surroundings that remind them so much of what they wish had never occured. It is a temporary solution to a permanet problem. This is the stage where a true depression can set in and they begin to feel like they will never stop grieving. Know the signs and seek help if you feel medication may be needed temporarily. To admit you need help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

Time does heal all wounds or at least lessen them so we can tolerate them. It could take up to two years. For some, more and others less. A good support network can help shorten the process for some and professional counseling for others. You will see your teen emerge again from the grief and sorrow that has been a constant companion for so long. They could feel hopeful and optimistic. Ready to move on, but never forget. There will still be times when the grief will resurface, birthdays, anniversary's of the death, and joyous occasions that their loved one can't share and will never experience. It will be cleansing for all of you to talk about your feelings openly and honestly. It is good to cry together and laugh together while sharing memories.

As I said earlier, grief is different for everyone. We must help each other through it and hopefully we will all emerge on the other side closer and more bonded than ever. Don't let your teen or child grieve alone. Don't hide your grief from them and tell them they need to be strong for each other. They need to love and support each other, share and be honest with each other and hopefully move forward together hand in hand.

In closing, Mallory, you will never be forgotten and in time hopefully your family and friends will be able to accept and cope with their loss, even though they may never really understand it. Please help guide them through this process and help them remember your beautiful spirit that was the true essence of life.