Stressed Out Kids: Part 2

Thank you for your comments to this site and to the email. I am glad to see that so many parents are worried about the welfare of their children. For those of you that were not sure if you should be concerned, keep in mind that all children are individuals and we should never think that what is right for one child will be right for all children. Not all kids are effected or overwhelmed by their schedules. Some kids can handle the constant motion of their full lives. I have one son that would be happy to be on the go all week to different activities, but the other would be overwhelmed by just a few extra curricular activities. As I have stated, all children are different and they all handle stress in their own way. Often it is a learned process, so take a serious look at yourself. Being in tune to your child is the most helpful thing you can do. Ask your child if they are feeling overwhelmed. Give them the right to take a personal day from a scheduled practice if they need to. In my family we have a rule that each family member has three personal days during the school year. It can't be used to get out of a test, or something they don't want to do, but it can be used as a mental health day. If one of us is feeling overwhelmed we know we need to take a break before we break.

Even the smallest of children can be overwhelmed by their day to day life. A preschooler can become warn down by the constant changes of child care and parents that are stressed out when they are with them. Children this small can't tell you how they feel, but they can show you by being cranky, crying a lot, and loss of appetite. Grade school kids can show they are overwhelmed in different ways also. They too can be irritable, suffer from headaches, begin getting in trouble at school, or suffer from insomnia because their minds can't stop thinking of all the things they need to accomplish. Keep in mind that the lack of need for sleep can be a sign of a more serious problem. If your child is showing signs of irritability, tendency toward rage, rapid speech, and mood swings these could be the signs of a mood disorder and you should contact a licensed therapist for an evaluation.

First and foremost what kind of role model do you make for your child? Does your child see you stressed out most of the time? Do your children witness, on a regular basis, you and your spouse arguing over who had the roughest day? Do either of you demonstrate what it looks like to relax? If you answered yes to the first two questions and no to the third, you are not alone, but things need to change. How will your child learn to relax if they never see you do it. You are the biggest role model that they have. It is an awesome responsibility so don't take it lightly. Many kids, when asked, say how their parents deal with stress in the family and how they pass that stress on to them is the biggest affecter of their own stress level. While parents thought their kids extra curricular activities and pressure to achieve were most stressful to them. Schools, even at the elementary level, are instituting stress management programs, but the changes need to begin at home.

When you come home, take the time to ask your child about their day, not complain about your own day. Then, actually sit and listen to what your child is saying. Don't sort through the mail or work on dinner, just pay attention to your child and let them know that they matter. You are their rock. If you don't have the answers and strength to help them, who does? Leave the work and worry outside the door. Bringing it home isn't fair to your family or yourself. I realize that today to be at the top you have to work twice as hard, but I have seen what this can do to families. Is it really worth it? Your children won't love you any less if you spend quality time with them instead of buying things to occupy them. Isolation increases stress. A child can not destress in front of the TV or video game alone. This simply creates over stimulation which can cause more stress. Even if it does keep them out of your hair for a while.

We all need to make an effort to bring back the family dinner. That means to turn off the TV and talk to each other. Make a habit of going around the table and having each person tell one good thing about their day. No complaining, just good things. Go for a walk together before dinner or after. Agree to play one game of Uno or Rummy after the table is cleared, three times a week. You will see your child help clear the table, on those nights, without having to ask. Some nights I am so overwhelmed that I know I will be up all night if I don't get the kids to bed and get busy, but I force myself to take a few deep breaths, pick up the book we are all reading together, and read to them for fifteen to thirty minutes. They are well beyond the ages of reading to themselves, but when studied, children that were read to into the teen years had a much closer relationship with their parents. When they begin to bulk at reading with you start a book club together and set aside some time each week to discuss the book you have chosen. This will also give you a chance to see what interest your child. Take turns picking the books and don't complain when it is their turn. Learn a relaxing technic together. The elementary years are a good time for a child to learn to "breath" through their anger. Breath slowly will counting to 10 before you respond to them or ask them a second time to do something. Yoga is great for relaxing and it does increase flexiblity and strength. It is really catching on with today's teens.

Rome wasn't built in a day and change is never easy. If you have never even wondered if your child is over scheduled and stressed out, begin slowly to make changes. Let them choose what is really important to them and teach them that it is okay to say "no." They don't have to be on the soccer team just because they are great at it. They should be there if they enjoy it. I am not saying that you shouldn't insist a child stick with a sport once they begin it, but know them well enough to see if they are doing it for you or because they really enjoy it. If your child or teen is overwhelmed with school work give them a chance to simplify their life. Teach them now to prioritize, and make a to-do list. You will never be sorry. Have a big calendar or two hanging around and have everyone put their activities in an individual color. This makes it easier to see who should be where and when. Practice your own organizational skills so you can teach by example, or better yet, learn together.

Being a parent has never been easy, but I feel it is only getting harder. Take some time to simplify your own life. Make a list of what is really important and what you can live without. Hopefully your family will be at the top of the important list. Now make a conscious effort to make them a priority. Let your kids know that you love them everyday and support them in the decisions they make. If you respect them, they are far more likely to confide in you when they need advice.

Believe me, I don't have all the answers. Some of these things will work and some won't. You just have to find the time and energy to try, and our kids are worth that. Keep an eye on your teen and if they are overwhelmed don't brush it aside. Teen suicide is rising everyday and it is so much easier to see the problems in the hindsight, but no parent wants to realize they could have helped their child after it is too late. Know the signs of teen depression and suicide. Log on to Yellowribbon.org and get help even if you suspect they need it.